For much of the past 3 months I have been talking to parents, teachers, and students in Massachusetts and Maine about bullying and relational aggression. One of the most important points that many adults have identified:  the generational differences in bullying today vs. when we were in school.  Namely, today’s victims of relational aggression can no longer rely on their home as a safe-haven.  The bully’s reach has extended to the victim’s home via the internet, IM, and cell phones. 

         This month I would like to focus on what researchers have recently discovered about girls who use relational aggression with their peers.  Hopefully this newsletter will help you identify relational aggression if your daughter experiences it, whether she is the victim, the bystander, or the person producing relational aggression. It is unnerving to think that one’s daughter could be the target or the perpetrator of relational aggression.  But during the preteen and teen years girls are experimenting with their new social power, increased time out of mom or dad’s eyesight and earshot, and chances are she will encounter relational aggression during these years.
 
First, a definition. Relational aggression is any exclusionary tactic that is used to isolate or demote another socially.  It may be lies, gossip, betraying secrets, exclusion, teasing someone about their attire, physical appearance, or other friendships.  The more extensive and pervasive this behavior becomes, the more empowered the perpetrator feels, and the more isolated and helpless the target feels.
 
The girl who perpetrates relational aggression may just be trying the behavior on for size, perhaps without understanding how much it hurts. She may test-the-waters with a friend or peer, in order to detect whether the peer (or others, like parents or teachers) will allow the behavior.  And we need to have our antennae up for instances of it, so it does not grow in frequency and strength. This is one reason why the latest social networking sites like Formspring, are so worrisome.  They allow for anonymous postings, and quickly become hotbeds for unregulated relational aggression.
 
The latest research on girls and their families by Nikki Crick reveals that girls who engage in relational aggression are more likely to: 1) have reduced  levels of empathy 2) have a strong need for power 3) be from a family environment where intolerance for others is practiced 4) be self-absorbed 5) tend toward blaming others rather than taking responsibility for their misdeeds 6) tend to bully when parents or teachers are not around and 7) have a seemingly positive (!) self-image.  (#7 came as a surprise to many psychologists.  Some theorize that an inflated self-image may mask a deeper sense of inadequacy.)
 
What can a parent do?  Moms and dads can help by talking about real or fictional depictions of relational aggression. Or their own experiences with relational aggression when they were younger, and what they did or wish they had done.  A fellow psychologist uses this tactic with his daughter: practice the powerful attitude commonly depicted by Cesar Milan (The Dog Whisperer):  calm assertiveness.  Giving your daughter some words to have at-the-ready “I don’t like when you do that.” “That isn’t fair.” “Please stop now.” “That’s mine, and I would like it back.”  Said in a calm, strong, pleasant voice – almost as if she were channeling Cesar.
 
And don’t worry if you (and she) think of the right thing to say an hour or two later. (Which is what usually happens to me.)  Still discuss the situation and identify a good response. Don’t worry that the ship has sailed, and it won’t do any good to talk it over.  Exploring “next time, here’s what you could do and say.” may seem pointless.  It isn’t.  She will learn to extrapolate what she is learning to different situations, and some vital human-relationship-education is occurring in these conversations.  And she is, perhaps most importantly, learning that you are a go-to resource. She is learning that in your home, she needn’t suffer in silence.
 
Finally, if your daughter is in a relationship with a girl that seems to find a lot of trouble landing on her doorstep, consider finding some other relationships or social outlets for your daughter (sports teams, scouting, religious youth groups, family friends) where she can explore a different type of friendship.  A new friendship, at camp, in synagogue, in her fall classroom may be just the ticket for her gaining a new perspective on healthy and unhealthy friendship.  Speaking from personal experience, my BFF from 6th grade, and my ultimate BFF, were not the same girl ;  )
 
To read more about this issue, please see Stonehill College’s coverage of this presentation on Relational Aggression: http://www.stonehill.edu/x21640.xml <http://www.stonehill.edu/x21640.xml>
 
Wishing you and your families a safe and enjoyable summer, filled with brave new experiences, and kind friendship – which is so central to human happiness.                                                                                       
                                                                                         

When I first moved to Cape Cod in 2001, I took a deep breath and put an ad in the local Pennysaver, asking for fellow book lovers to start a women’s book group with me. I also put flyers in my neighbor’s mailboxes, and was delighted when one month later I was surrounded by 10 new friends in my living room, each of us with her own copy of The Red Tent by Anita Diamont on her lap. 

Fast forward 7 years, and I received an email from my dear friend Erin Greenhalgh who was starting a Mother-Daughter book group for women and their daughters, grades 3-5.  Were Grace & I interested?  Yes!!

Since moving to Maine, we’ve missed our book group.  Through Erin’s group, my daughter and I reconnected with the joy of reading books together (something we did more frequently when she was a toddler and preschooler, and somehow had fallen by the wayside).

At the meetings, I was impressed by the girls’ ability to encounter and think about problems, issues, social quandaries in a supportive, non-pressured, let’s-brainstorm atmosphere.  Thinking about the stresses of a peer who has a sibling with special needs (Rules by Cynthia Lord) clarified concretely how we can be more compassionate, brave, and thoughtful classmates and neighbors.  Or, considering what we would do if a good friend started to diss a less popular girl (100 Dresses by Eleanor Estes) helped us all come up with phrases that girls could have at-the-ready, before they are put on-the-spot.

I learned a lot about the procedures that work for good book discussions from Erin and my friends on Cape Cod.  Choosing books through a nomination and voting system worked well.  The girls chose one month, and then the moms chose the book for the following month.  (As the girls get older they will probably insist upon more control over this voting system!)

Another handy tactic is for each girl to write down an open-ended question at the beginning of the meeting, fold it, and place it in a bowl, which is then passed around the group.  Each girl draws and reads a question, and then each girl formulates her answer to the question. Importantly, agreement is not sought or required.

So in 2010, Grace and I took what we learned on Cape Cod and started the Great Girls Book Group in Farmington last month.  After our first meeting, one girl’s dad asked her: “How was it?”  and she replied “It was fun! I liked that we didn’t all agree on different aspects of the book, and that was OK.”  Hearing that report made my heart sing.  It made me realize we not only are modeling love of literature for our daughters.  Not only are we introducing them to new situations to consider before they face them in real life.  We are, perhaps most importantly, modeling that we can disagree face-to-face, without being disagreeable, but with a good spirit of “Hmm.  I hadn’t thought about it that way.  Interesting idea.” 

Such tolerance for others’ views expands the mind. And socializes the girls toward the idea that disagreement needn’t be scary, insurmountable, or even unpleasant.  Hearing others out, and coming to a conclusion, even if it is “You think this.  And I think this. And that’s okay.” is a healthy template for honesty and directness, and is probably at the very heart of fostering more meaningful peace between girls in the great big world.